by Yasmin Wills

What people see

It’s totally impossible to describe yourself right? Luckily, I have wonderful people in my life who didn’t laugh at me when I asked, “What do I look like to you?” Here’s what they said:

“Composed, always put together”
“Full of energy, good fun and make me laugh”
“Work incredibly hard, persistent, driven and successful”
“Think outside the box”
“Insightful and sensitive”
“Warm and friendly”
“Adored and respected by all who work with you”
“Friendly, approachable, calm, doesn’t flap/create drama, in control, happy”
“Highly professional, organised, empathetic and protective of your team”
“Shy and aloof”
“Incredible mum”

On paper, I have it all. Two incredible children, a soppy labrador called Peach, a wonderful partner, a beautiful house I own, incredible friends and family, a Master’s Degree and success in my career, and a fun and active social life. So why do I constantly feel like a failure and a misfit?

What I Saw

Growing up I always felt like I was different and didn’t quite fit in, known as the “wallflower” and the “enigma”, I would go one way when everyone went the other way. At school, I was told I was “stupid”, “shy”, “wouldn’t amount to anything”, “a weirdo”. I remember one teacher putting me on a desk facing the wall so she didn’t have to look at me. I was always losing my homework, getting migraines when the lights were too light, saying the wrong thing, having millions of thoughts bouncing around my head so I forgot to listen again, turning up late…

So, I believed I was never good enough, I buried myself in shame and self-criticism, and tried to hide it all by doing everything perfectly so no one noticed but burning out from exhaustion.

It wasn’t until I started seeing my son struggling at school too, that the penny dropped. I knew my son was exceptionally bright, caring, funny and creative and yet the teachers put him on a table facing the wall too. He blamed himself, say he was “stupid”, “weird”, “always doing things wrong”.

When he received a diagnosis, I threw myself into learning everything I could about ADHD and ASD and fought the school to change the environment for him. Simple adjustments, such as ear defenders to help with his noise sensitivity, explaining tasks in a way he understands, use of dictation tools, have meant he is now thriving and an expert in maths and science, and wants to be a marine biologist when he’s older. I also learnt a lot about myself along the way and I had a lot of “me-too” moments, until I finally plucked up the courage to have an ADHD assessment myself.

What I See Now

Being diagnosed with ADHD was life-changing. First of all, I went through a period of grief, as I was looking back at all the moments of shame, embarrassment, frustration and fear and realised that was all linked to ADHD. I was scared to tell people in case they saw me differently and judged me, which was silly, as when I told my friends a lot of them had “me-too” moments themselves!

Six months on and I now love being ADHD. I have a totally different perspective on life and while I am still exceptionally self-critical, I can now see all the benefits of being ADHD and I am starting to be more “Me” for the first time. Here are just a few.

Creativity

I asked my 10-year-old why he thought ADHD is great and he said, “if you had 5 people with the same brain looking at a problem, they will all come up with the same answer and will miss the brilliance”. I couldn’t put it better myself.

As a mum to neurodiverse children and a professional health leader, I have to find creative ways around everything, and I love it. From helping my sons overcome barriers, to redesigning a whole Primary Healthcare System in another country. Ask me to focus on something that will make people’s lives better, with a mix of novelty, pressure and reward, and I will knock your socks off. Ask me to get the wet washing out the washing machine… you’ll be waiting a while!

Hyperfocus 

When I’m in the hyperfocus zone, I am a machine. I channel all my attention and energy into something, and its enabled me to achieve award-winning innovation. Some of the most successful people with ADHD have used this ‘superpower’, such as Richard Branson, Michael Phelps and Bill Gates. Unfortunately, this only kicks in when I have that magic mix of novelty, pressure and reward… not when the washing machine beeps.

Resilience

Our society isn’t built for neurodivergent success. It is estimated that those with ADHD receive 20,000 negative messages by the age of 10. The expectations, social implicit rules, school system, work environments are predominately set-up for neurotypicals, and the Institute of Leadership and Management (2020) found 50% of managers admit to discomfort in hiring people with ADHD. While there is a greater awareness and acceptance of neurodiversity now, I still see and experience a great deal of stigma.

I have built my resilience from the thousand moments of shame, embarrassment, setbacks, and challenges, and I am now able to deal with the toughest things in life without crumbling.

Emotional Intelligence

I am highly sensitive, and while I have been criticised for this in the past, I now recognise that this is a gift. I can read people well and understand what they are feeling even if they are struggling to express it, and then help them feel better. This helps both in my career and personal life.

My eight-year-old is autistic and he struggles to process his emotions and will stop talking when he is overwhelmed, making it difficult for people to help him feel better and come out of the shutdown. My ten-year-old has been able to read the situation in seconds, and we worked out that by giving him lego to focus on and a writing pad to write what was wrong, he was able to work through his emotions and start talking again.

Looking forward

I am exceptionally passionate about making peoples lives better, challenging the stigmas, celebrating individuality and creating the right environment to thrive. My sons have changed my life for the better, and I want to pass that on to anyone I can by sharing my experience and support as I know how tough it is to be misunderstood.

One day I might start to believe “what others see” … although I will always have wet washing in the machine.